Well, today was Hannah's 6Th year anniversary. Rick and I had made the decision not to remind the girls of it because of Madalyn's sensitivity to death right now. My sister Beth came and slept over and was here to watch the girls for us today. They had a blast making forts at home, going apple/peach picking, and out to lunch at McDonald's. ( I'll post those pictures later.) Rick and I were able to go fishing for an hour or so (we didn't catch anything worth mentioning though) and then we were able to meet my parents at the cemetery.
It's weird because when I'm at the cemetery, I never know what to say or do. I just know I need to be there. I feel connected to her there in a way I don't otherwise. I have a ring that I had bought with sapphires (her birthstone) in it a week or two after she was gone and we have her memorial tree in front of our house. My greatest treasure though, is the picture of her that was taken at the hospital after she was born. That is downstairs on our fireplace mantle right under our family picture. Even with those reminders, I feel like I can' t remember things about those few days before and after her arrival the way I used to. Though I know I will never forget her, I feel like I'm losing her all over again, if that makes sense. I feel like the six years that have passed and our two beautiful girls that we have, have eased the pain in every sense of the word, but I almost wish the pain wouldn't ease. If I lose the pain what do I have left of her? I feel guilty that I don' t think of her everyday anymore, that other people don't remember her. I almost feel like she was never here. She didn't even get a birth certificate, only a death certificate. It's like she never existed, to the world.
Yet she DID exist, I DID feel her kick and move and grow within me. She had a name and an identity, she was my baby. I know that life should move on, that life should get easier with time, that it's okay that I don't think of her everyday, that my life has moved on. I am SO grateful that our marriage has not only survived this tragedy, but thrived. I am SO blessed to have our two beautiful girls and to be home with them. I am SO grateful for the woman that I have become because I lost Hannah; to know that I am strong, that I have a voice, that I can still believe and praise a God who is good even in tragedy, that I can mother two beautiful girls without being overly crazed because of this in my past. I am SO grateful for a family that will not let me forget the details of those few day before and after her, for their unending support, and most importantly for making me feel like she WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN! Rick and I could never have made it through those days, weeks, months, and years without you!!
And I know that today, on her day, I do feel more intensely about her and this situation than I normally do. And I guess that is part of the grieving/healing process. This process is never ending. It changes throughout time, but it is always there. And Hannah will always be here too, in our hearts and memories. And I wouldn't change any of it for the world!
We love you Hannah!!
Slow Cooker Greek Chicken Bowls
1 day ago
6 comments:
Becca, you are such an amazingly strong woman...always have been. I'm glad that you and Rick had this day together.
Becca, I believe that grieving is a process that is never straight-forward but zig-zags and dips then backs up & zig-zags again. Reminds me of the Footprints poem when one is dancing with God. All I know for sure is: God is God and all things work for good for those who love Him. I trust & I believe. That's what I hang on to. I told Dad yesterday when we left the cemetary that I could still feel Hannah in my arms, the actual weight of her. She will always be a part of us. I love you. Mom
Becca, you wrote such a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your beautiful Hannah, I feel very blessed that I was able to hold her 6 yrs ago and be there with you both. She is in my prayers always as is your family. I love you very much,
Aunt J
Becca,
What the previous comment said about your strength is completely true.
I really appreciate the way you were able to express your feelings so honestly and openly.
I apologize for thinking it is best not to talk about Hannah too much. I just thought it was better not to bring her up for fear of causing you pain.
But, no, she NEVER will be forgotten, EVER. I think of her a lot actually. I try to imagine what her own unique personality would have been like. I choose to believe she would have been outgoing and cutely mischievious. Someone who can make people laugh a lot.
You are a wonderful mom and I am so proud of the man that my brother has become and I know that it has sooo much to do with you.
There is no right or wrong way to feel. The feelings you have are yours and you are completely entitled to them. And I would be happy to listen to you express them any time you need.
Love you much,
Sharon
Any update on those pics I took of the girls apple picking???
I can't wait to change my computer background :)
Becca and Rick,
I may be miles and miles away. But I think of you and your three girls often. I think about Hannah alot. I pray for her and you guys. I had gotten my ear pierced and I wear a saphire stud in it to remember Hannah also. She would have been just as beautiful, loving, funny and sweet as the 2 little sweethearts you have running around the house now.
I have a picture of Hannah's memory stone from your church and I think about her alot. Becca you are an amazing mom and wife, your strength is an inspiration to us all. I like so many others will never forget Hannah.
On Sept 6th. I sat and prayed while watching the clouds float by the mountains and Rememberd you and Hannah.
I love you all so much and wish that I could be closer to see the girls more. Kisses and Hugs from the Rocky Mountains!
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